


Bad Day

by zigostia



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Comfort, Depression, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-12
Updated: 2017-10-12
Packaged: 2019-01-16 07:57:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12338592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zigostia/pseuds/zigostia
Summary: There are good days, and then there are the bad days.





	Bad Day

“Shout out to the Dan Is Not On Fire group chat, with spaces and capital letters might I add, thanks for taking me back to those dark days.” Dan laughed, watching the chat immediately drown in references and "LOL"s and the haphazard random phrases thrown into the mix.

Humming an absent little tune, Dan glanced off to the side as if reading the chat.

 _There are good days,_ his therapist said in his head, _and then there are the bad days._

A packet of Citalopram sat on the side of his desk, just out of camera.

 _Bad day,_ Dan thought, and reminded himself to keep the smile on his face.

“Uh, lick my bellybutton Dan, now that wouldn’t be very clean but I’m not shaming anyone.” With that proving to be an ample distraction for the viewers, Dan checked the time: he’s only been doing this for twenty minutes.

The box lay within reach, two small pink tablets in their seals. _Three!_ He should’ve taken _three,_ why was he such an _idiot?_

“MAKE YOUR BED! says Sarah H, stop _attacking_ me.” Dan rolled his eyes, feeling a dull jolting in his chest.

It was harder when he was alone. Phil was out with friends, and the thought of that made it ever-so-slightly harder for Dan to breathe, his chest tight and his smile frozen on his face, mechanically reading out names and group chats. If Phil was here he’d recognize the signs and jump in, taking over the liveshow, full of life and joy and sunshine. It made Dan better, too. Whenever Phil was around, it made Dan better. If he was here, but he was out, having fun with other people, and Dan was here in his sofa crease, plastering on a personality because he was too scared to tell anyone but Phil—and there he was again.

Twenty minutes. It wasn’t so bad, Dan tried to tell himself.

“I think I should get some rest,” he said with a yawn that wasn’t entirely fake. “I swear I slept for three hours last night. Shout out to all you 3 am Tumblr users out there; I’m becoming one of you.”

Ignoring the onslaught of protests that rose from the chat bar, Dan rested his chin in his hands and gave the camera one of his trademark thin, slightly ironic smiles. “Welp. New gaming vid tomorrow probably, maybe Friday, depends on how lazy we are. Look forward to that, and I’ll see you next time!” He waved at the “BYE DAN”s and the “FRICK I MISSED IT”s as he turned off the webcam.

It was like a weight had simultaneously been lifted off of his chest, and another had dropped down to replace it.

Dan rubbed his face with his hands, taking a deep breath.

“Okay,” he said quietly. “You can do this. Take another pill, you twat.” His hands were trembling as he tore the foil and swallowed it dry, even though his doctor told him to wash it down with water.

It wasn’t really a “bad day” than “bad days”. It had gotten alarmingly worse over the past few days, and this morning Dan had broke his streak of making his bed daily, making Sarah H.’s seemingly innocent comment so much worse.

He took out his phone with the intention to scroll through twitter and answer some questions, but he found himself, somehow, at the texting app with the name Phil at the top.

He did it without thinking: _hey, whats up_

Phil was typing for a second, and then he wasn’t. For a solid ten seconds, nothing else showed, and Dan found himself panicking again, refreshing the app even though he knew it was pointless.

Phil began to type again.

“See, it’s fine, stop it, Dan,” Dan said aloud.

The text popped up: an image.

Phil, Louise, and PJ, sat with grins and thumbs-ups in a dimly lit lighting, in front of an enormous pizza.

_just hanging. you ok?_

Dan stared at the picture for longer than he should have, and suddenly, he felt a huge wave roll over him, a dark cloud. Why did he text him? Let Phil have fun, jesus, why was he so bloody clingy?

Another text: _are you alright? want me to come home?_

Dan’s fingers flew.

_no, its ok_

_enjoy your pizza_

_tell pj and louise i said hi_

_its ok_

There was no response. Dan checked his texts and cursed.

 _really. you go have fun. im fine,_ he added, and then immediately wished he hadn’t.

Dan cringed. Five in a row; that must be a new record even for him.

He was in the process of trying to defend himself in another text (which was rather ironic in hindsight) when the response came.

_listen to the playlist_

Dan swallowed and typed back, _yeah i will thank you have fun,_ and then exited the app right away, before he could text anything else he might regret.

 _“I think that went well,”_ he said to the empty room.

He sank down onto the sofa, curling up against a corner. He was so tired, but sleeping felt too big of a challenge. Making his bed. Brushing his teeth. He didn’t want to sleep, he just didn’t want to… to do anything.

More automatically than anything, Dan turned on the Spotify playlist Phil had created for him, hours of ambient noise and piano covers of Dan’s favourite video game soundtracks.

He wasn’t even jealous. Dan didn’t think he had the energy to feel jealous right now. He wasn’t mad at Louise or PJ, he didn’t want to be in their place, outside, getting pizza or anything.

He just wanted Phil.

-+-+-+-

He didn’t hear the door open. He didn’t hear the footsteps.

So when Dan suddenly felt a hand on his forehead, brushing back a strand of hair, he was alarmed—but not enough to move, such was his current state.

“Phil,” Dan said, opening his eyes. Then: “What happened to the pizza?”

Phil smiled. “There’s some in the fridge if you want any,” he said with a bit of what looked like hope in his eyes.

“No.” Turned down the volume on his phone, Dan shook his head, eyebrows furrowing. “You were with Louise and PJ.”

Phil twirled one of Dan’s curls in his fingers. “It’s okay. They understood.”

By some miracle, Dan summoned the energy to sit up. “You left them?”

“They had to go either way.” Phil shrugged.

Dan wasn’t having it. “Phil… you should be able to go out with friends without having me to worry about.”

His fingers stopping their absent dance around Dan’s hair, Phil’s lips tightened and he looked away. “I know. I don’t worry about you, I just… I thought you wanted me. With you.”

“That’s not what I meant.” Dan made a frustrated noise. “I want you with me, but I shouldn’t—you have a life outside of me.” Phil opened his mouth but Dan kept going. “I’m sorry I texted you, alright? I didn’t mean to make you come back. You were with other people, you shouldn’t have to do this. I’m such a mess, I’m sorry for being such a burden, I—” Dan stopped, realising his mind-to-mouth filter had disappeared somewhere along the lines.

For a long time, Phil didn’t speak. _Nice one, Dan,_ Dan thought and he dropped his head down to his hands, not feeling like crying, just… an empty, hollow sense of _sad,_ tinged with disappointment.

He felt the sofa dip next to him, an arm coming down around him and tugging him close.

For a brief moment Dan wanted to protest, because Phil shouldn’t have to do this for him, Dan was too clingy, it was irritating and annoying, but then Phil dipped his head to press a kiss to Dan’s hair, and Dan felt his defense crumble, his irrationally-excessive amount of loneliness spilling over and out. He burrowed into Phil’s arms.

Phil landed little kisses along Dan’s head, then down to his forehead, along the bridge of his nose and to his lips.

“You aren’t a burden,” Phil said, and with such certainty that for a moment, Dan believed it too. “If I can help you, I will—in any way I can. If me being here makes you feel better, I will stay with you every second of my life. I promise I will always be here.”

Dan made a small sound in his throat. He could hear Phil’s heartbeat against where his head rested against his chest, steady and secure. He smelled like scented candles and pizza.

“They should market you,” Dan mumbled, shifting around so that he could hug Phil more tightly. “As an antidepressant.”

Phil paused, bewildered, and then he laughed and leaned down, bringing them close, blue eyes meeting brown.

“I wouldn’t do this for anyone but you,” he said, and kissed him, soft and sweet. It felt like home.

 _There are bad days,_ Dan thought, _but I have Phil._

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so this was a super quick lil' drabble in honour of Dan's new video (I'm so proud of him oh my g o s h). Only very quickly edited but I hope it's not too bad!  
> Disclaimer: I'm not familiar with the effects of antidepressants and I tried my best with what little I know, so forgive me if it's not accurate!


End file.
